Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
You Might Also Like
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.