The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
You Might Also Like
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
*sewing*
A thread
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
When you pick your nose after dusting the house