Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
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[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
yes… yes…
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”