If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
You Might Also Like
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Mountain Goat : )
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
shit, they caught us—run!!!
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.