5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
You Might Also Like
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.