If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
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Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
These aren’t even hard anymore.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Europe. Made in Germany.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.