Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
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I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?