If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
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(Electricians.)
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?