If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
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There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no