Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
You Might Also Like
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*