@AGreaterMonster: If Twitter has taught me anything it's that the best career choice is divorce lawyer.
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@junejuly12: *rushes in* "Sorry I didn't see the email" *slow smile* *twirls hair* [Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
@clyderun: At the bar I got into a factual debate with another patron. He pulled the "I have a PhD" card. Now he has a PhD AND a fork in his eye.
@Sickayduh: "Ewww how'd that get in the house? I don't wanna kill it. I'll just put it outside" *scoops your baby up in a tissue*