@AGreaterMonster: If Twitter has taught me anything it's that the best career choice is divorce lawyer.
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@ginger_xtc: build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
@iwearaonesie: wife: The school called. Guess why? [flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69] me: Why?
@arielleBigBlue: Your sign says "NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE", so it seems highly unfair that you kicked me out for not wearing pants.
@VirgoSherry: A co-worker just used the word "elderly" to describe someone my age and that's why I had to kill her.