fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
You Might Also Like
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?