If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
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“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.