If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
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Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Merica.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.