@SCOOPISMS: If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
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@Arbitral: Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
@seamussaid: my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
@animadvertguy: [Sky-diving] INSTRUCTOR: pull your shute! ME: my shoe? INSTRUCTOR: your parachute! ME: my pair of shoes? [later] CORONER: where's his shoes?
@DanMentos: *runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN'T LOCALLY SOURCED *sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*