Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
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I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.