Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
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Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.