SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
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I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.