If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
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Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea