If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
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*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
That’s no pocket rocket.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
The booster protects against what, now?
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.