If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
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I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?