If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
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Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”