If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
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Ok but actually
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.