if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
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One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.