If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
You Might Also Like
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.