If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
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As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Generation gap…
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity