@JackAsHell: If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they're having a party
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@TheCatWhisprer: ME: bartender. another. BARTENDER: but you just- ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER [bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
@pleatedjeans: me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff date: Are u reading off notecards M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
@lamefactory: 911, what's your emergency? What do you mean you've been stabbed? People can't do that, that's illegal.
@Jn1fer: *Writes "For a good time call" on random gas station bathroom wall *adds work phone number *Gets excited about work today