If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
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15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Found the job I’m suited for
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
*sewing*
A thread
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.