How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
You Might Also Like
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Ummm
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Art by Pastelkatto
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.