My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars