@BitchyJasmine: 'If u insinuate that I'm fat again, I'm leaving you!' 'Don't be selfish, think about the baby.' 'What baby?' 'Oh, so you're not pregnant?'
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@david8hughes: [wearing World's Best Dad shirt] Wife: whys there blood on your shirt? Me: its not my blood Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
@SteveSuckington: [walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head] "What are you supposed to be?" ME: I'm not wearing a costume
@schmittsteve: - Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth. - Vhere, here? - No... - Here? - No, just go look in- - GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?