For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
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The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
My biological clock is wheezing.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”