If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
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Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
😂🤣😂🤣
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Okay, I’m still confused…
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
“Huge”.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.