If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
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Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”