If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
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I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut