If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
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I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Have kids, they said
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes