if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
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When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Happy birthday to all the women
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.