If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
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she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
the last thing a carrot sees
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
my name if I was in the mob
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license