Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
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Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
oh my gosh!!
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.