if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
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The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Life cycle of cat
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.