if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
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How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
good let them take over I have had enough
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.