(2022)
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Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Become ungovernable.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?