@jonnysun: if u went back in time to kill hitler, itd be easier to kil pre-war hitler but then all the germans woud b like "yo why did u kill that kid"
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@david8hughes: [puts dog in car] Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet Wife: why u whispering [car screeches away] Me with wife in headlock: thats why
@AlexvanBeek: You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you. But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn't. Twitter's hard. Get a helmet.
@realHamOnWry: I don't understand people who practice polygamy. Why would anyone want more than one mother-in-law?
@JohnLyonTweets: [dog trial] D.A.: Who's a good boy? Dog: *wags tail* D.A.: Then how do you explain the scattered trash? Dog: *ears droop* *jury gasps*