According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
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Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses