CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
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My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
The two types of wives
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.