@imteddybless: if ur dad didn't want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
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@NewDadNotes: [pushing my son in his stroller] Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you? Me: 35 Stranger: I was talking to him Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
@CatherineLMK: "Damnit!" -a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
@brianbowman73: Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what's around you.. And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
@KentWGraham: I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.