@imteddybless: if ur dad didn't want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
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@JohnLyonTweets: As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
@WhtUReallyMean: I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I'm living in their attic.
@maisonwithapen: *shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe* yoga instructor: you need to leave me: oh is this not child's pose?
@AbbieEvansXO: GHOST TEEN: [sneaks back in at 2am] GHOST MUM: [waiting up 4 him] you're busted! GHOST DAD: Jesus Karen ground him don't BUST him holy shit