if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
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Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.