“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
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Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.