IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
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me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
This 4th of July, please remember…
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?