IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
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My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
😂😂😂
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone