ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
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[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.