I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
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the battle rages on
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers