@MaryKoCo: If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
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@michaelianblack: Got to admire these NFL players who are so committed to their jobs of beating the shit out of people that they do it even in their off time.
@dlockw21: TSA: Sir, you can't bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight. Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest? TSA: ....
@Sanbel11: Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we'll be moving any second now.
@moooooog35: I'm coaching my son's soccer team because it's important that he knows I'll swear at other kids, too.