If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
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I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead