@spodermenpls: if ur sad abowt not havin an valentien on valentienz day remembr dat sum ppl do’nt hav an patrik on st patriks day
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@squirrel74wkgn: I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
@einsteinsexual: You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won't eat tomato soup.
@mikeleffingwell: My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don't think she'd be a good secret agent.
@dafloydsta: [couples therapy] HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart ME: *covering my Yoda doll's ears* Hear you he can, Karen