@spodermenpls: if ur sad abowt not havin an valentien on valentienz day remembr dat sum ppl do’nt hav an patrik on st patriks day
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@MmeSurly: My favorite thing about famous people is that they can be "brave" and "daring" by just leaving the house in stupid looking clothes.
@Dani_Feld: I walked into a room full of men and they couldn't stop staring at me. Oh...wrong toilets.
@therepoguy: I'm sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
@realHamOnWry: After 50 years of failed embargoes and isolation the US is about to unleash its most obnoxious weapon on Cuba to date…the American tourist.