ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
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Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*